Octopodial Chrome

This one has been floating around forever, but it’s as funny as ever.

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
1. Submariners: Black outside Pea Green inside
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor’s house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can’t turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say Sorry, wrong rack.
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up.
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500…In triplicate.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shit cans and butt kits!
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one– the same one every night.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!
21. Make your family’s menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid rats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout Man overboard, port side! Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, Stove manned and ready. After an hour or so, speak into the cup again Stove secured. Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!
1. Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)
29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. (Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)
31. Next time there’s a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.
32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.
36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you’ll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

Those who’ve heard tales of my childhood know that my old man actually did a bunch of these. If I never hear reveille again it’ll be too soon…wait a second…ಠ_ಠ

Cracked.com states that babies lie, racially discriminate, defy authority, get high off of masochism, steal and even murder in the womb. I think we should require registration of all babies and institute a mandatory one-week waiting period before procreation…

Chris Illuminati shares some notes his wife has left in his lunch. Very cool, and very sweet too.

In the style of Jeff Foxworthy’s hilarious You Might be a Redneck routine, here’s a list of questions to determine if you’re a straight-razor or safety-razor type of guye.

Behold the fundamental building blocks of awesome. It’s all there, from the basis of all awesome—bacon—through beer, to sausage, to ninjas, Chuck Norris, grenades and trilobites (my favourite fossil).

Me, I think if we can get our top scientists working on combining whiskey (distilled beer), aliens, a catapult, three motorcycles and Samuel L. Jackson with a mohawk then we might possibly transcend the awesome continuum and usher in the Age of Awesomosity. Or something.

Desmond Warzel applies the Wikipedian ethos to time travel. Hilarious if you’ve ever worked with Wikipedia much; I suspect it’s utterly unintelligible otherwise.

From the Joy of Tech, Christmas past and present.

Mil Millington (of the profoundly popular Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About) has released his forty-fourth web vignette. Reading his stuff makes me rather glad to be single—and when you read it, you’ll see why. The green? They don’t sell them in green.

…or have one hell of a personality.

The Onion staff have apparently met me. Except that I kinda like New Mexico’s flag. But I hate hazelnut coffee and I believe that I’ve actually said that the only decent [state flag] is Maryland.

As someone who went to college, I can appreciate these.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.
5. Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, You ain’t from around here, are you?
7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, Hey, y’all, watch this! Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
9. Get used to the phrase It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity. And the collateral phrase You call this hot? Wait’ll August.
10. There are no delis. Don’t ask.
11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man’s shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.
12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.
13. Brisket is not ’cooked’ in an oven
14. Don’t tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
15. If you think it’s too hot, don’t worry. It’ll cool down—in December.
16. We do too have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.
18. If someone tells you Don’t worry, those peppers aren’t hot you can be certain they are.
19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won’t do it.
20. Rocky Mountain oysters are not oysters. Don’t ask.
21. If someone says they’re fixin’ to do something, that doesn’t mean anything’s broken.
22. Don’t even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is Margarita.
23. If you don’t understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.
24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called courtesy.
26. BBQ is a food group. It does not mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
27. No matter what you’ve seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.
28. Tea means Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

Found at http://downhereintexas.com/text/AdviceTX.txt.

Every guy’s thought of it at one point or another. Wouldn’t it be great to have a urinal in your home?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about tequila.

Hilarious video…

It appears that the UK has raised its national alert level to Quite Elevated Indeed, and has asked its populace to keep a sharp lookout for diverse people engaged in activities.

Have to write a book report on J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings, but don’t want to read over a thousand pages? No problem—just check out this helpful plot summary.

Those of us who have read the books might enjoy the summary too…

From men’s Health, the latest in nutritious health food:

• pork rinds
• alcohol
• beef jerky
• sour cream
• coconut
• chocolate

Looks like Woody Allen’s predictions in Sleeper are coming true…

Ever wondered what Revenge of the Sith translated into Chinese and then back into English is like? Well, wonder no more…

Apparently, the Jedi Council are the Presbyterian Church. Who knew?

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

Hallo, Mr. Chirac! a heavily accented voice said. This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!

Well, Paddy, Chirac replied, This is indeed important news! How big is your army?

Right now, says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!

Chirac paused. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.

Begorra! says Paddy. I'll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!

And what equipment would that be Paddy? Chirac asks.

Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor.

Chirac sighs amused. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.

Saints preserve us! says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!

Mary and Joseph! says Paddy, I will have to ring you back.

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.

Really? I am sorry to hear that, says Chirac. Why the sudden change of heart?

Well, says Paddy, we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there's no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.

…in one fell swoop.

Recommended by my fellow-parishioner and -reader Capt. D., the rules for gunfighting are great.

• Bring a gun. Preferably two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
• Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
• Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
• Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.
• If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
• In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
• If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
• Use a gun that works every time. All skill is in vain when an angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket.
• Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
• Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
• Have a plan.
• Have a back-up plan, because the first one won’t work.
• Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
• Flank your adversary when possible and always protect yours.
• Never drop your guard.
• Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
• Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust…everyone else keep your hands where I can see them).
• Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough…hesitation kills.
• The faster you finish the fight, the less injured you will get.
• Be polite. Be professional. And have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
• Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
• Your number one option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
• Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun the caliber of which does not start with a 4.

Words to live by.

Apparently, an unreleased Jimmy Page guitar riff is to be retrieved from secret vault to save rock and roll. Naturally this is the last, best hope of mankind.

A recent news release:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats that have raised their security level from Miffed to Peeved. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to Irritated or even A Bit Cross. Londoners have not been A Bit Cross since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome to A Bloody Nuisance. The last time A Bloody Nuisance warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy is on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased its alert level from Shout Loudly and Excitedly to Elaborate Military Posturing. Two more levels remain: Ineffective Combat Operations and Change Sides.

The Germans also increased their alert state from Disdainful Arrogance to Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs. Two higher levels remain: Invade a Neighbor and Lose.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Lastly, the Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the Old Spanish Navy.

Sadly, more true than funny…

Some old-fashioned tech support for you:

Computer users are so like this…You mean that matters?

At last, someone has written down the previously-unwritten rules of the Hollywood Operating System we all know & love from the movies.