Octopodial Chrome

Desmond Warzel applies the Wikipedian ethos to time travel. Hilarious if you’ve ever worked with Wikipedia much; I suspect it’s utterly unintelligible otherwise.

From the Joy of Tech, Christmas past and present.

Mil Millington (of the profoundly popular Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About) has released his forty-fourth web vignette. Reading his stuff makes me rather glad to be single—and when you read it, you’ll see why. The green? They don’t sell them in green.

…or have one hell of a personality.

The Onion staff have apparently met me. Except that I kinda like New Mexico’s flag. But I hate hazelnut coffee and I believe that I’ve actually said that the only decent [state flag] is Maryland.

As someone who went to college, I can appreciate these.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.
5. Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, You ain’t from around here, are you?
7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, Hey, y’all, watch this! Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
9. Get used to the phrase It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity. And the collateral phrase You call this hot? Wait’ll August.
10. There are no delis. Don’t ask.
11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man’s shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.
12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.
13. Brisket is not ’cooked’ in an oven
14. Don’t tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
15. If you think it’s too hot, don’t worry. It’ll cool down—in December.
16. We do too have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.
18. If someone tells you Don’t worry, those peppers aren’t hot you can be certain they are.
19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won’t do it.
20. Rocky Mountain oysters are not oysters. Don’t ask.
21. If someone says they’re fixin’ to do something, that doesn’t mean anything’s broken.
22. Don’t even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is Margarita.
23. If you don’t understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.
24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called courtesy.
26. BBQ is a food group. It does not mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
27. No matter what you’ve seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.
28. Tea means Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

Found at http://downhereintexas.com/text/AdviceTX.txt.

Every guy’s thought of it at one point or another. Wouldn’t it be great to have a urinal in your home?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about tequila.

Hilarious video…

It appears that the UK has raised its national alert level to Quite Elevated Indeed, and has asked its populace to keep a sharp lookout for diverse people engaged in activities.

Have to write a book report on J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings, but don’t want to read over a thousand pages? No problem—just check out this helpful plot summary.

Those of us who have read the books might enjoy the summary too…

From men’s Health, the latest in nutritious health food:

• pork rinds
• alcohol
• beef jerky
• sour cream
• coconut
• chocolate

Looks like Woody Allen’s predictions in Sleeper are coming true…

Ever wondered what Revenge of the Sith translated into Chinese and then back into English is like? Well, wonder no more…

Apparently, the Jedi Council are the Presbyterian Church. Who knew?

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

Hallo, Mr. Chirac! a heavily accented voice said. This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!

Well, Paddy, Chirac replied, This is indeed important news! How big is your army?

Right now, says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!

Chirac paused. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.

Begorra! says Paddy. I'll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!

And what equipment would that be Paddy? Chirac asks.

Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor.

Chirac sighs amused. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.

Saints preserve us! says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!

Mary and Joseph! says Paddy, I will have to ring you back.

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.

Really? I am sorry to hear that, says Chirac. Why the sudden change of heart?

Well, says Paddy, we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there's no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.

…in one fell swoop.

Recommended by my fellow-parishioner and -reader Capt. D., the rules for gunfighting are great.

• Bring a gun. Preferably two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
• Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
• Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
• Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.
• If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
• In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
• If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
• Use a gun that works every time. All skill is in vain when an angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket.
• Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
• Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
• Have a plan.
• Have a back-up plan, because the first one won’t work.
• Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
• Flank your adversary when possible and always protect yours.
• Never drop your guard.
• Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
• Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust…everyone else keep your hands where I can see them).
• Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough…hesitation kills.
• The faster you finish the fight, the less injured you will get.
• Be polite. Be professional. And have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
• Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
• Your number one option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
• Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun the caliber of which does not start with a 4.

Words to live by.

Apparently, an unreleased Jimmy Page guitar riff is to be retrieved from secret vault to save rock and roll. Naturally this is the last, best hope of mankind.

A recent news release:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats that have raised their security level from Miffed to Peeved. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to Irritated or even A Bit Cross. Londoners have not been A Bit Cross since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome to A Bloody Nuisance. The last time A Bloody Nuisance warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy is on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased its alert level from Shout Loudly and Excitedly to Elaborate Military Posturing. Two more levels remain: Ineffective Combat Operations and Change Sides.

The Germans also increased their alert state from Disdainful Arrogance to Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs. Two higher levels remain: Invade a Neighbor and Lose.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Lastly, the Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the Old Spanish Navy.

Sadly, more true than funny…

Some old-fashioned tech support for you:

Computer users are so like this…You mean that matters?

At last, someone has written down the previously-unwritten rules of the Hollywood Operating System we all know & love from the movies.

The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem.

• 35% of respondents answered: Yes, it is a serious problem.
• 65% of respondents answered: No es un problema serio.

Hee hee hee.

Yes, Virginia, sometimes stupid people become programmers. I’m not certain how they graduate and get jobs, but it happens. Perhaps they bribe those who should be failing them and turning them away.

From Mr. Bad comes a list of things to say when one is losing a technical argument. I particularly like #17: yes, I believe that’s the approach Windows NT is taking.

Here’s the Complete List of Pirate Laws for your reading enjoyment. Just remember: a pirate does not use the word Fabulous. Ever.

Found this great bit of advice from a guy in his fifties to a guy in his twenties. If this doesn’t make you laugh, you have no soul.