Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
Hallo, Mr. Chirac! a heavily accented voice said.
Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!
Well, Paddy, Chirac replied,
This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?
Right now, says Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire
darts team from the pub. That makes eight!
I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command.
Begorra! says Paddy.
I'll have to ring you back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!
And what equipment would that be Paddy? Chirac asks.
Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm
Chirac sighs amused.
I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000
tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my
army to 150,000 since we last spoke.
Saints preserve us! says Paddy.
I'll have to get back to
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
Mr. Chirac, the war
is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My
military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to
Mary and Joseph! says Paddy,
I will have to ring you
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the
Really? I am sorry to hear that, says Chirac.
sudden change of heart?
Well, says Paddy,
we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness
and decided there's no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.