Octopodial Chrome

When I was a teenager, my best friend and I would rappel from trees; we also took German classes. We developed a hierarchy of ranks for our rappelling. each was divided into three sub-ranks: copper (junior), silver and gold (senior). The lowest rank was Keinbärtig, whose symbol was a downward-pointing semi-circle. This was pidgin German for unbearded, and the symbol indicated a smooth chin. The next rank was Bärtig, whose symbol was a downwards-pointing equilateral triangle—its name meant bearded. The highest rank was Langbärtig, whose symbol was a downward-pointing isosceles triangle; its name meant long-bearded. Thus the lowest of the low—a new recruit, as it were—would be a junior Keinbärtig, with a copper semi-circle, while the highest rank would be a senior Langbärtig, with a gold long triangle.

As you can see, even as a boy I placed a very high importance on the beard. It is, after all, the indication that a man is in fact a man.

Thanks to my brother Tom for pointing out this despicable Turkish film. Set in Iraq, Valley of the Wolves Iraq depicts American soldiers killing a child before his mother, murdering wedding guests, and having a Jewish doctor remove the organs of prisoners and sell them to the rich. Worse even than that (after all, we have come to expect such anti-American, anti-Semitic filth from the Middle East), Billy Zane and Gary Busey play parts in it.

I’ve a picture of my brother Tom on my desk at work; it’s his formal portrait from the Naval Academy. Over the years, various folks have asked if it were me—which is absurd, for he looks nothing at all like me. But today I’d the oddest question of all: a co-worker asked if we were identical twins! This is completely absurd; the two of us look nothing at all alike. See for yourself:

We don’t look a thing like one another—even our noses differ!